While Stately believes Kid Rock jumped the shark so hard, he almost went into orbit, SWM thought KR was OK before the leap. We also know Mr. Manor has no fondness for the WWE writing crew...with the exception of the boss, Stunning Stephanie, whom he drools over incessantly. With that in mind, Stately put his thoughts on paper with a reworking of Kid's "Cowboy Song."
Well, I packed up my laptop, headed to Stamford
Scripting overlong promos 'cause I'm paid by the word
Found a condo to rent on a hilltop
Bought a new Beamer, found a latte shop
I haven't a clue as to what to do
Never followed the sport, prefer the squash court
The ring crew and road agents, of me, they make fun
"Cause I thought Harley Race was a cycle run
The divas, though, wow, they're really neato
They compliment me, call me "Junior Rico"
Before I got this job, golly goshers gee
Unless I paid girls, they never spoke to me
To the big school dance, I went with my mom
Couldn't even get a date at desperation.com
Kid Crock and I'm a real blighter
And I headed out east, fella, because I claim to be a...
CHORUS: Writer (barely)
Though it says "Creative" on my office door
Writer (barely)
I'm about as cutting-edge as Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm a writer (barely)
Writing at night, what the guys should say
Writer (barely)
I can kill a skit from a mile away
The wrestlers here no longer care what I think
Since they learned I thought Booker T was a warm drink
When I approach, the men, they roll their eyes at me
'Cause I don't know a suplex from a soup cannery
"I'll improve your promos," I told that guy The Rock
He raised one eyebrow and said, "Huff my (magazine edit)
To all the taunts I get, I turn deaf ears
Never got so mocked while I was writing for Cheers!
CHORUS
Yeah, Kid Crock, my real name's Rufus
Though my backstage pass I.D.'s me as "Goofus"
Got a question about that roped platform thing
If it's shaped like a square, why call it a ring?
No lying, I'm trying, but don't understand
Why the dudes with feuds don't just shake each other's hand
I must confess I've never cared much for fights
But I'm a lifelong fan of hunky men in tights
Love polo and rock like Manilow
When you're in the Alps, please stop by my chateau
Comp my frat bros, for all house shows
Next year, the frat may even have a Negro!
Still, the wrestlers pick on me, stuff me in a locker,
throw away the key
Weekend nights, I dress up as Liz Taylor
I'm not straight out of Compton, I'm straight out of Yale, sir
Live with a sailor, wear lots of pink
I know how that sounds, but it's not what you think
I'm as macho as any other man
Who happens to be a Liberace fan
CHORUS
This particular issue, we provided a revised version of the Led Zeppelin classic "Stairway To Heaven."
There's a wrestler we know, calls himself the Big Show
And he's eating his way to oblivion
A once-bright future blown, as his waistband has grown
Trading in the top prize for some French fries
Ooh, ooh, and he's eating his way to oblivion
The whole world he has toured, searching for smorgasbord
"Cause he knows sometimes meals have six helpings
Vince thought he signed a stud/then pushed and pushed the dud
And now all of his thoughts are misgivings:
"Ooh, contract's a blunder.
Ooh, contract's a blunder.
"Near a million a year/I pay for ? Oh, dear.
What in the world could I have been thinking?
To psyche him in the ring/I whisper 'Burger King'!
What in the world could I have been drinking?
Ooh, contract's a blunder.
Ooh, it really was a blunder."
Can it get worse than this? Sure can, bro and sis
They can make Show's new foe the Tugboat
And a new day will break, for those left awake
And arenas will echo with yawning.
If there's a hustle in your Big Show, don't be alarmed now.
I slipped peyote in our O.J.
Yes, that's a way to tolerate him, but in the long run,
There's still time to put the Simpsons on.
Big Show is coming and he won't stop; please note no crowd pop.
Announcers begging us to jeer him.
Dear Lordy, did you hear the bell ring? Means only one thing:
This match will smell like the breaking wind.
And as he drives on down the road
His bumper sticker reads "Wide load"
Started out as "Andre's son"
Looked like a gold mine his first run
But now he weighs a half a ton
Didn't matter if he was hurt
All he wanted was dessert
Agreed to job for Michael Cole
For a lamb rack and dinner roll.
And he's eating his way to oblivion.
Here's a special swmswm.com exclusive, a takeoff on the Rolling Stones' classic "Sympathy For The Devil," retited "Empathy With The Devil"--as delivered by our fave HHH.
Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm the boss' son-in-law
I've tampered with many a career, ground it into warm cole slaw
I was around when Jericho had his moment to really shine
Made damn sure the writers clipped his wings. That spotlight's mine!
CHORUS: Pleased to beat you, to derail your fame
See, what's screwing you is the plotting of "The Game"
Stuck a knife in Bill Goldberg, ordered booking to flush him down the drain
Killed his heat and a huge buy rate. The accountants screamed in vain
I took a Kurt, turned him into dirt; when Chris Benoit jumped, squashed the little squirt
CHORUS
Made things go sour for Joanie Lauer
When I got my chance to get in Stephanie's pants
I shouted out, "Who buried Booker T?"
When after all, it was little old me
Let me please introduce myself. I'm the boss' son-in-law
And I lay traps for anyone who might take my place as God Of Raw
CHORUS twice
I've tried soap, lye, bleach and rubbing alcohol; and even a fire hose
Though hard I try, no product seems to work to clean this brown stuff off my nose
"Cause when I met Vince, took the liberty to intro his butt to my lips
Scoff all you want, but it got me eternal championships
CHORUS
Like Eminem? Sure, you do. Hey, who doesn't? Anway, here's another song parody, it too "honoring" HHH (being the above never actually saw print.)
OPENING REFRAIN: Guess who's back, back again/Triple's back, warn a friend/guess who's back
I've created a monster that nobody can stop/No matter how hard they can drop me or chop
I don't care if you think I'm cocky/Screw your Chris, your Brock, your Rocky
From Big Show-size down to Funaki/If he came here, I'd squash Kobashi!
You got me? Even with the blown-out quad/And my matches mediocre, you can call me God
Although I don't have quite the bulk/When it comes to being selfish, you can call me Hulk
So the WWE lets me be me/A scarier sight, you'll never see
Showed a close-up of my nose on MTV/It looked like an igloo built for three
But sometimes it just seems/Everybody calls me a pompous jerk
That must mean I'm quite the berk/every night I go to work
Though I'm about as hip as Sergeant Slaughter/I'm betrothed to the boss' daughter
Put no one over, although I oughta/Sink those ratings every quarter
Unless you were once in the Kliq/I'll screw you with a dirty trick
But no matter how many fish in the sea/The Game is all about me me me
CHORUS (twice): Now book another win for me/So everybody just job for me
Stately and David Bowie go way back, as you can see by bopping around this site, particularly the Photo Gallery. This time, SWM reworks Bowie's early hit, "Space Oddity."
Booking Team to Jobber Tom
Booking Team to Jobber Tom
Put your jockstrap on and take the powerbomb
Booking Team to Jobber Tom
Commencing Smackdown, go get pinned
Go ten seconds and you know what next to do
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1--tap out
This is Booking Team to Jobber Tom
You're lucky to get paid
As the fans badmouth, cajole and ridicule
And your kids get beat up on the way to school
This is Jobber Tom to Booking Team
I'm stepping through the ropes
My bod's twisted in assorted painful ways
And the ceiling lights look all the same these days
CHORUS: For years, I worked my ass off in training