Stately's "Summer 2009 Reading List" super-bonus extravaganza.
A word of explanation for the uninitiated. The author, Stately Wayne Manor, pens a monthly column with a slight pro-heel bias for the UK newsstand magazine Power Slam, and part of his gimmick is playing the overbearing Yank stereotype—tongue in cheek, of course…though some seem to fail to “get it.” An index of all Stately’s UK columns can be found by clicking here or you can start the tour of the site at its homepage www.swmswm.com
FYI: The wrestling columns are not all satire-oriented, and the site also containsarchives for SWM’s columns on popular culture and cult movies.
Because the immensely successful US education system stresses a depth of knowledge revered worldwide and pays special attention to diverse studies, the summer break from school does not mean a halt to the thirst for learning. Knowing how much students treasure the classics, teachers are apt to provide a “summer reading list” to the unanimously enthusiastic pupil hordes.
Now, I don’t know if that’s the way things are over there, because we don’t study the continent of England or any of them other places where the people don’t talk right. So, for the sake of spreading some always-welcome Americana across the Atlantic Sea, I’ve taken the liberty of providing PSites with a summer reading list of their own. You can thank me later.
First up is Look Back In Anger. Oh, wait, that’s just a repackaging of Bret Hart’s autobiography. The remaining books include...
*The Joy Of Cooking—Brutus, Francine, Ahmed, Mongo, Mikey, Van, Torrie and Dances With gush about how much more they enjoy their employment at Glacier’s Grille versus their prior job. “Flipping burgers is way better than flipping people. Oooh, yee-uh,” chortles Macho Randy as assistant fry-salter Orlando nods in agreement.
*A Passage To India—Residents of Dog World, deeply appreciative of a master craftsman with an unquenchable drive to improve, offer to purchase their neighbor, The Grating Collie, first-class nonstop transit back to his homeland—if he’ll promise to stay there.
*Pride And Prejudice—Motivational speaker Bill Watts once again performs his patented “I’m no racist” speech, then rubs Shelton Benjamin’s head “for good luck” before asking an unmasked Misterio what he charges to cut a lawn.
*A Tale Of Two Cities—Kip James is wildly popular in Pugsley Falls, Arkansas and Mudwash, Ontario (but nowhere else.)
*The Power Of Positive Thinking—Kevin Nash explains how anyone with a rosy outlook can co-steer a national corporation into oblivion, develop freak “injuries” when it’s time to return a favor, and still draw a healthy paycheck performing counterproductive “comedy” sketches. Contains numerous archaic inside references 82 percent of readers won’t “get."
*Animal Farm—Care to “snack on danger and dine on death,” but lack the proper ingredients? A former Road Warrior teaches you how to grow your own! Oddly enough, each chapter ends with “Tell ‘em, Hawk."
*Naked Lunch—Back from the abyss, homely Lauren returns to her former profession, only to learn that the economic crunch has greatly impacted what the noontime crowd will invest in a lap dance.
*Little Women—In this mystery, lonely Belfast lad Hornswoggle trolls internet chat rooms for a suitable mate, but is heartbroken to learn his “perfect” counterpart is not only one of those perverts who pretends to be a young lady, but also one of his coworkers! Will he discover the sicko’s true identity, with only the screen name “Dustys_Kid_But_Not_Cody” as a clue?
* Arithmetic For Dummies7 Mathematicians, their souls owned by a large Northeastern concern known for “alternative counting,” explain how “worm hole quantum warping” can allow for an annual event begun in March of 1985—like, oh, say, Wrestlemania—to celebrate its “25th anniversary” twenty-FOUR years later.
*Nicholas Nickleby—Squirming-in-the-seat anticipation turns to abject disappointment when Rob Van Dam learns the man he was set to meet at the bus terminal is NOT named Nicholas Nicklebag.
*Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus—Juventud and Joanie “Cracked Chyna” Laurer take readers on a tour of their home planets.
*The New Testament—Having modestly compared himself to Winston Churchill on a Raw ad shilling his third autobiography, guess who Mick Foley equates himself with in this, his fourth. Hint: same initials as Jim Cornette.
*Of Mice And Men—Deranged by another catastrophic incident that will never be explained later, wild-eyed industrialist Vincent K. McMahon tells his subordinates “I want to ride a spaceship to the sun—but I’ll go at night so I won’t get burnt”—and every one of his Yes Men hails Vince as a brilliant visionary.
*1984—Wisely investing his final severance check, Super Crazy spends his entire bankroll on a warehouse full of vastly outdated calendars. Says Supe, “If 1984 ever comes back, I’ll be rich!!!"
*The Theory Of Relativity—Albert Einstein struggles to extrapolate how total strangers with no common family lineage can magically become kinfolks when hired by the same company. With commentary by Edge & Christian, Team 3-D, the Bashams, cousins Ric Flair and Arn Anderson, and Pinocchio.
*Goodbye, Mr. Chips—Circus performer Al Snow is released yet again, after the failure of his goofiest gimmick yet, a man who tosses potato snacks into the audience.
*Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas—A collection of interviews Don West conducted with Mike Tenay’s past associates and neighbors as the former journeyed through the latter’s hometown. Not for readers under age 16, due to the abundance of obscene language.
*Something Wicked This Way Comes—Uh-oh, it’s time for another probe into the records of shady pill-pushing doctors!!! Comes complete with the Guess Which One Of Your Heroes Gets Named In Sports Illustrated board game. (Book changes in size depending on test results.)
*A Tree Grows In Brooklyn—until Cryme Tyme steal it.
*Common Sense—New York fourth-grader little Vinnie Russo has an allergic reaction while on a school trip to the Common Sense detergent factory. Afterwards, he vows, “I’ll get a job someday, but promise you I will have nothing to do with making Sense.
*Encyclopedia Britannica—New entries include “Sorry, we have no fresh ideas for you,” defined as “You’re not close personal friends with the inner circle, so we can’t be arsed to give you any thought” and “I always have the deepest respect for (promoter’s name)” meaning “Never mind the non-stop griping I did when there before, I need a job."
*From Russia With Love—Soviet hippies Ivan and Katrina Kozlov raise their son Vladimir Sunflower Mist Kozlov to be a warm compassionate ambassador of goodwill, constantly reminding him, “And, remember, always use your head."
*A Brave New World—Tommy Dreamer stumbles upon something wondrous he’s never seen before, a place full of glistening objects and curious sounds. It’s called a gymnasium.
*Fellowship Of The Rings—Having done so with watches the year before, Shawn Michaels sucks up to another rival by purchasing identical gold bands for each to wear on their third finger. Hilarity ensues when the second man mistakenly believes they’re now engaged.
*Where The Red Fern Grows—Fighting over SWManor, Angelina Love makes a VERY tasteless remark about Christy Hemme’s personal grooming.
*Cyrano de Bergerac—A rather long-nosed gentleman of French ancestry strives to find true love—assuming it advances his career, of course—but constantly ruins opportunities by approaching available noblewomen with the opening line, “I’ve got two words for ya…."
*Interview With A Vampire—Gangrel travels the world asking citizens, “Remember me?” Sadly, few do.
*The Godfather—Same as above, but transportation is via The Ho Train.
*Fear Of Flying—Scared-of-airplanes Cody Deaner, when told he has a job lined up in Japan, sets out to get there by hitchhiking. That is, until girlfriend Odorous DB tells him, “You’ll never get to Japan thumbing a ride from Georgia, you big dummy. Ya gotta leave from California."
*Lord Of The Flies—At last, a tailor is found who can install industrial-size zippers in Brother Ray’s pants.
*Breakfast At Tiffany’s—In this instructional guide, a noted General Manager reveals how hosting “sleepovers” and “maintaining a horizontal base” with the proper men—lots of them—can land an unskilled woman a glamorous job for which she lacks a single visible qualification.
*All Quiet On The Western Front—UFO investigators suspect an alien possession after a Green Bay-based manure distributor--who always announces his last name twice—working his way through Texas, Nevada and California, goes a full week without saying something idiotic to reporters.
Well, that should keep British scholar-athletes busy through the warm weather, provided you have summer in England. I’d look it up, if we only had a library in this state. I mean, we used to, but they tore the eyesore down and built an awesome skateboard park in its place.