Flips 176

Though Flips has paid more homage to a certain TNA redhead as of late (please ignore the internet rumors), I would be greatly remiss in not offering a “fond farewell…for now” to TAFKA “my future ex-fiancée Victoria,” the finest female grappler of this decade.  

Lisa Varon, as she’s known to the motor vehicle bureau, represented the total package:  beautiful, bona fide athlete, beautiful, possessor of presence, skilled wrestler, beautiful, poised, a solid mentor for the newbies…and did I mention beautiful?

No doubt deeply inspired by me fingering the babe as an OVW standouts, “Victoria” was elevated to the bigs, became a world champ, and everything was peachy.  

For a while.  

Unfortunately, in the ladies division, the story arc tends to be “You get your run, you’re number one, and they you’re done, hon”…unless you happen to share a pillow with one of the boys with big stroke.

The proverbial writing was on the wall when the former fitness model got shifted over to Smackdown, where most of the other chicks think a full Nelson is a second cousin of a full Monty.  Still, Lisa persevered, doing her best to lead the leaden through passable matches.

Her reward?  A series of laughing-stock roles and demeaning costumes.  So, though I’ll miss my near-missus, a Stately Salute goes out to Lisa for leaving on her own terms, “retiring” rather than putting up with any further tomfoolery.  As her My Space posting verified, the vixen was fed up with playing class clown, and felt maintaining her dignity was far better than whatever “fame and fortune” she could muster before the inevitable pink slip.

It may strike some as “out of character” of me to not be debasing a departing Diva, but an examination of my record shows I am unsurpassed in supporting feminist advancement in the mat sport and have always championed the notion that sexy tomatoes who can wrestle almost deserve to stand just a few steps behind the lower third of their male counterparts, no matter how worthless the other 90% of the chicks’ gender is.  And as long as Lisa remains smoking-hot, I will continue to wish her best of luck in future endeavors.

Hail the conquering hero.  We all wept when the much-admired Mister McMahon was felled by the collapsing scaffold and kept under wraps for the second portion of 2008.  His family carefully guarding the Chairman’s condition, viewers just KNEW they were in for a slam-bang follow-up, a whodunit your Alfred Conehead Doyle would be very proud of.

Without question, Vince’s initial appearance before an audience after such a lengthy absence would be a sweepingly dramatic grand entrance, complete with a shower of festive streamers and the cacophony of cannon fire.  So, in addition to the unbearable suspense surrounding the forthcoming explanation of the Emmy-worthy collapsed-set angle, we were also perched on the edges of our seats with wonder regarding just how the master showman was going to be relaunched.

I mean, it wasn’t like our first look at everyone’s role model would be something like Vince introducing himself to a gob-smacked Dolph Zigler.  Naaah, they wouldn’t do anything so lame and anticlimactic.

Then they showed Vince introducing himself to a gob-smacked Dolph Zigler5

…then he ignored the entire fallen scaffold angle (shown repeatedly in video packages) or any explanation with regard to his absence…then, starting the second hour of his comeback, Vince was once again carted out of the arena in a stretcher, his family thereafter—wait for it--carefully guarding the Chairman’s condition.

G-zuss, I’ve had dates with Folkestone girls that were flatter than this (and ended with less of a bang.)  Well, at least it can’t possibly get any worse.

Oh, no, Superman Shane is doing a run-in and easily handling the entire Legacy troika who had no trouble thumping Batista, Cena and other big pushed superstars!!!

Vincent Kennedy McMahon is among the finest dramatists the stage has ever seen—yet this is the best his writing staff could concoct for the most highly anticipated return since Spartacus came back to Athens?  An abandoned storyline and a stretcher YET AGAIN?  When he’s not even back on the job for two freakin’ hours?  Why not wheel him out to an exploding limo, while you’re at it???

The Boss majestically parasailing from the upper balcony to the ring while crooning the disco favorite “I Will Survive” then blaming Wrestlemania celebrity guest Sean Connery for sabotaging the scaffolding—now that would have been something.  Instead, we got a rerun of a bad rerun and Shane Tyson punking the brand’s top heel and a WM25 headliner, as well as its former tag champs.  

Traditionally, WWE Creative does an exemplary build-up to Mania.  The above is 2009’s first step—and I’m not allowed to print what it looks like they stepped in.  

The theme of all current television wrestling is “Whichever direction it appears we are going with a skit will be reversed in short order, surprising absolutely no one”—otherwise known as making the unpredictable utterly predictable—and thus the prevailing prophecy as we go to press is:  it will be revealed that one of the McSiblings is actually in cahoots with Legacy.  In other words, another swerve leading to another rerun.

But as Wrestling’s Most Optimistic Columnist, I’m pulling for a different scenario, one with DH Smith rounding Legacy out to a quartet to battle the UNIFIED front of Vince, Shane, Steph and…in the red corner, weighing in at 98 pounds, she’s the Winslet Of The West, the Bonham-Carter Of Connecticut, the Streep Of Stamford, Linda McMahon.

Who among us can’t envision Vince standing on the middle rope, his wife perching on his shoulders then drilling the Legend Killer with a picture-perfect reverse shooting star press with a 540 flip?  And just imagine how electric the promos will be with the McMatriarch’s unmatched acting talent in the mix!  

Ah, the glory of an all McMahon Mania main event team.  It will do wonders to elevate the new heel foursome.  After all, look at what the rub from the previous two Mania mains did for WWE superstars Floyd Mayweather and Bobby Lashley.  And it’s not like the remainder of the full-time crew aren’t all household names drawing sell-out crowds each house show.

Oh, I suppose they could acknowledge HHH as family and recruit him instead of Linda, but what fun would that be?

(Author's note:  The above was written three weeks before the WM angle wherein--sans any explanation, natch--they acknowledged Helmsley as Steph Mc's husband.  ,groan>)