ON MANOR'S MIND
Being bipolar is nothing to laugh--and cry--about. But if you're "different" by nature, follow the footsteps of Mr. Manor and use it to your advantage. If you're not going to take an aggressive approach to your weirdness, the intolerant masses will be all over you. That's just how ignorami operate. The best option is to be freaky enough they genuinely envision you holding a bloody axe.
Of course, it's also a gaggle of giggles to layeth a head trip on strangers for the sheer sport of it--especially if just passing through a burg and therefore free of any future repercussions.
My favorite new ruse is set in a small market or convenience store, and is far more effective after 9 pm, when you can affect "disappearing" by fading into the darkness upon exiting. I call the ploy "Playing alien."
What you do is: roam around the food area, intently marveling at the most mundane things you can find. (You know, as if you just "landed" and never before encountered Earth objects.)
Approach an employee while holding a jar of Ragu, and inquire, "Is this to be applied externally?" or use a variation on the same theme. For example, ask a customer "Does this have a pleasing flavor?," then whip out a loaf of white bread.
Okay, you've had your fill of holding bananas up to the light. Simply splitting just won't cut it--unless you do so via retracing your entrance by walking out backwards. Personally, I prefer the "unhinge the cashier" option.
When told what your purchase totals, either extend both hands with cash in the open palm of one and rhinestones in the other, as though unfamiliar with payment methods on the planet; or, should you not have rhinestones, ask the employee if they accept "trixium crystals."
Please don't ruin my lovely scenario by speaking like a Conehead or briskly fanning a magazine and pretending to have read the entire thing. And if you are knothead enough to blow it by parking your car right in front of the place, I will use that same vehicle to run over both of your kneecaps--one at a time. Always remember, a mindblower is a terrible thing to waste.
Ever notice how those most--and often only--known for offering catty critiques of other people's appearances are ugly mofos themselves?
Comedienne-surgically-turned-Siamese-cat Joan Rivers (left)? I've seen better heads in guillotine baskets! Ever seen Mr. Blackwell of the famous annual Worst Dressed list? This guy's mug gets sympathy letters from Freddy Krueger. And someone please tell that swishiest Queer Eye guy that working out with dumbbells does not mean going to a nightclub with Heather Locklear and both Hogan Knows Best fans.
I "get" your attraction to clothes, Harry and Harriet Hideous--they disguise your misshapen body and distract from the natural disaster known as your face. Hey, Madonna's been doing the latter with her boobs for years, so you needn't feel ashamed to admit it. But here's the reality: Lara Flynn Boyle et al can change whatever you're knocking, and have an entirely new look every half-hour; but, no matter what you do, you will ALWAYS be ugly.
Getting back to dumbbells, nitwits who regard Jon Stewart as brilliant and full of wisdom continue to do an excellent job of reinforcing my assertion that the average schmo on the street is sharp as a pin--a bowling pin.
First off, Stewart defines one of Manor's Thousands Of Brilliant Observations: With the exception of guitarists surnamed Hendrix, those who spell their first name in a "clever" non-traditional way are always real whackjobs. Secondly, The Daily Show HAS A LARGE WRITING STAFF and, with the exception of parts of the interview segments, virtually EVERY WORD JON UTTERS IS FROM A SCRIPT.
And guess what, talk show fans: Just before a guest comes out on a network chat program, he and the host go over exactly what they're going to yap about (hence the index cards on the latter's desk.) Thus, whenever you see a host react with an astonished "Really?" or happens to set up a punchline, it's as fake as Flavor Flav's sincerity. This is a genius->
Yep, I am aware Stewart has a hand in said script. And although his bag of tricks (e.g. the the the "cutesy" stutter used 68 times per show) is limited, I'll concur Stewart has some comedic skills. The same might also be said about Larry The Cable Guy. Does that make him a genius, too?
What it all comes down to is a scam Neil Young, Patti Smith and a whole host of other Sixties scenesters have been milking for decades to CONvince the gullible they (the celebs) are "deeper" than the unwashed masses.
It's a simple hustle, really. Find an audience that leans to the left if you perform rock, to the right if it's country music; learn what are common opinions among them; then repackage those very thoughts, carefully avoiding EVER differing on even a single issue. The beauty of this scheme is that the mark has to consider the recycler extraordinarily bright, because to do otherwise would be to face the reality of his own limited intellect!
Hippies had a few good ideas, such as the use of alternative energy sources. But what killed off "the movement" was not their odor, lack of grooming or how they ushered in the Dark Ages Of Caucasian Dancing. Their scene withered because it was all about being intellectual, and most people are just-plain too dim to pull it off!
That's not being judgmental; it's basic statistics. Breaking the sum down to three evenly divided categories--below average, average and above average--basic math decrees there are twice as many in the first two groups as in the third.
Prove it to yourself, if you refuse to take my word for it. Dig up some tape footage of any hippie happening (including the current version of the same), and you'll not find one whalehugger varying from the "If the people can get together as a collective unit, man..." drivel in favor of the more honest "Woooo, I'm here to get wasted and see some chicks' [bleep], baby" sound bite delivered by every MTV Spring Break jackass.
Pseudo-intellectuals love talking politics--and, whattayaknow, that's what The Daily Show is all about--as it give them a chance to bounce from condescending to patronizing to sanctimonious while devising new roundabout ways to say "I know more than you."
<-This isn't.
(See, windbags think espousing political rhetoric makes them "smart"; when in actuality, it only makes them opinionated. Big deal.)
Jon Stewart and his ilk exploit these vastly self-impressed--which I'm absolutely comfortable with, especially since the latter are so damn deserving. However, "preaching to the choir" is neither brilliant nor bold.
It's safe.
How much gumption and gray matter does it take to shout "Criminals are bad. Are you with me, people?" at a Policeman's Ball? Conversely, have you ever seen Janeane Garofolo bring her rap to an NRA meeting, or Sean Hannity speaking his mind at a Phish concert? Didn't think so.
Call it honor among thieves or whatever, but I have no deep grudge against Stewart personally. I always have gotten along well with whores and grifters. My beef is with fools worshipping false gods when there are TRUE superbeings worthy of such blind adulation.
Such as myself.
Hubba Hubb Honeys: Alyssa Milano and Denise Richards have more in common than the obvious. For instance, both were hailed as Hubba Hubba Honeys well before becoming household names. And now they have something else in common--because, as of this column, Denise joins her Charmed colleague as the only two women ever kicked out of the hallowed halls of Honeydom.
Disappointing D's dump job has nothing to do with no longer "qualifying" due to said mainstream mass recognition, lack of same only being a qualification at the time of induction. And while some may consider it a crime against nature to not only marry a Sheen but also give birth to another generation of the brood, that was not the deal-breaker, either.
I even understand the whole "If you can't land a drummer, step down to a guitarist" thing, and would have given the git-picker a big thumbs up for his score had the strummer been, oh, say Buck Dharma (Blue Oyster Cult).
But RICHIE FREAKIN' SAMBORA??????