You probably awaken in the middle of the night wondering, "When I see those NYC club ads reading 'Stately Wayne Manor', is that my chance to gaze upon my idol in person?"  Nope, I have absolutely nothing to do with that band.  However, I initially began using the SWM moniker when I was billed as "America's Greatest Rock Drummer"--a crown I can easily regain at will, though I've obviously moved on to bigger and better things--so there is a musical chapter in the Stately Saga.  

Having conquered percussion and being so multi-talented, I branched out into playing other instruments (e.g. synthesizer) and songwriting.  For the hell of it, I've dug up a few of my old lyric sheets and present excerpts here for you to gaze upon in awe.  I've become a much better writer since these were composed, but include them for historical purposes.  I've also been giving consideration to a "Battle Of The Bands" contest open to all musicians reading this.  The idea would be:  you put a melody to any or all of the lyrics and I proclaim which is the best.  You get a free ride on the Manormania hype machine and the incredible honor of "co-writing" a song with THE Stately Wayne Manor!

The contest idea is still up in the air at this point.  As these songs would no doubt immediately climb to the top of all record charts, there are serious royalty questions that need to be addressed before I officially launch such a contest.  In the interim, though, if you'd care to put the following to music, go right ahead.  Just remember whose name shares the credits.  Plagiarists will be dealt with...severely!!!


 NUDE GIRLS

I got a problem, can't get no rest
I'm surrounded by women undressed (Nude girls)
I went to a doctor to find the cure
Then she locked the office door (Nude girls)
She said "I know your friends and I know your foes
Now, would you mind if I take off my clothes?" (Nude girls)

CHORUS:
I can't go bowlin', I can't go swimmin'
'Cause everywhere I go there's naked women!
I can't go here and I can't go there
'Cause everywhere I go there's women bare!

I wanted a car just to get away
The salesgirl she was named Renee' (Nude girls)
She winked and then she said to me
"I've got something you ought to see (Nude girls)
And as I eyed her Chapparelle
Renee became au naturel (Nude girls)

CHORUS:
I can't be happy but I can't be sad
'Cause everywhere I go there's women unclad!
I can't play bridge or even blind man's bluff
'Cause everywhere I go there's girls in the buff!



 SHE FELL DOWN
(Note:  my original progression on this gem was F-D#-D-C-B-C-B)

She fell out of the twelfth-floor window
She let out a shout 'til she hit the ground
She went upstairs 'cause it was her lunch break
Whomever goes up has to come back down

What a bloody shame
'Cause the dizzy dame
Wasted a hot meal
How the cook must feel!

Jane A. Doe was the name they called her
The cops had some mops to clean up the mess
Firemen came to wash off the blood stains
She looked like a blob in a chiffon dress

Was she pushed or shoved
When she fell from above?
It's a mystery
Except, of course, to me

Oh, Geronimo
Hey, look out below
See the loony lass
Bounce and break the glass

 
     I, MONSTER


I've been dead a million years
H-bombs brought me back
Radiation made me live
I'm ready to attack

I drink blood and I eat flesh
I'm atomic, maaaaaaan
I can turn invisible
And then destroy Japan

CHORUS:  I, Monster (repeated 4x)

I can fly and I can swim
I can change my size
I can melt through metal walls
With my X-ray eyes

You can shoot your tanks at me
It don't mean a thing
When a missile hits my flesh
It don't even sting.

CHORUS:  I, Monster (repeated 4x)

I really am misunderstood
I would much rather be good
Martians make me act this way
I'd be nice if I could...(spoken) I would

Ultraman tried to stop me
Superman tried, too
After I got through with them
I ate hero stew

Then one day a genius found
How to control me
They tied me up and forced me to
Watch game shows on TV!

CHORUS:  I, Monster (repeated 4x)




                  BONDAGE SLAVE BEGUINE
(Note:  Here's a romantic ballad perfect for crooning in your flame's ear on Valentine's Day.)

I'd like to put a blowtorch to your face
Maybe that would put you in your place
I want to tie your legs up in a knot
Then you'd realize you're not so hot

I'd like to drill a hole right through your head
And stuff you for my parlor when you're dead
I want to run you over with a Jeep
And laugh at you while you lay there and weep

I'm gonna take your photograph and bomb it
Because every time I look at it I vomit
Your conversation always seem so vague
I want to throw a brick between your legs

You're enemy or is it enema?
You annoy me/You gave me dog VD

I put a live piranha in your tub
For when you take your monthly rub-a-dub
I hooked electric wires in there, too
To char whatever "Fishy" leaves of you

You are thick as mud, with urine for blood
You are arm pits, covered in zits

I hid a razor inside your toothbrush
And watch your teeth and gums turn into mush
I'd love to pull your necktie 'til you're blue
An hour in the oven ought to do

I'll bury you by the sea up to your chin
Relax and watch the tide roll in
All these things I really want to do
It's just my way of saying "I love you"




   NONSENSE



I know a girl who sleeps with fish and likes to dance with trees
She tried out for a stand-in part but spent more time on her knees
She was my girl, she lived at Sears and part-time drove a truck
A torrid romance--when we didn't fight, she always wanted to fuss
She dumped me for a guy who said he held a degree from Yale
The laugh's on her; I checked him out; he's spent half his life in jail

Before she left me/I told her these words/through life, to keep as practice:
"Don't sit beneath trees/that hold lots of birds/and don't wipe your nose with a cactus."

I knew a drunk who always wore green and talked to parking meters
He'd stagger home, give his wife a kiss, then later he would beat her
A mean old man for all his life, the no-good stinkin' rat
Just for a kick, he blew up a church and stole the blind man's hat
He ran around with a floozy from France and thought he covered his tracks
His wife found out and when he got home, she parted his hair with an axe

Before he passed on/on the way to his grave/he told me to remember:
"Do not grow too fond/of women who shave/and don't wear short pants in December.
Don't spend your money/on another man's drinks/or, worse yet, on his wife
When out with your honey/don't tell her she stinks/and don't eat your peas
        with a knife."



     CATCHY THEME SONG


I realize the thrill that it must be
For you to be in the same room as me
Some folks point and say "It's insanity
The nerve of him to have such vanity."
Some creeps shrug and say "Who the hell is he?"
It's just to cover up their jealousy

CHORUS:
Don't you wish you had my body?
Don't you wish you had my curls?
Don't you wish you had my eyes?
Don't you wish you had my girls?

Did you know I come from a small family?
Just my father, the Holy Ghost and me
If all the artists formed their own country
I'm a natural for the Presidency
I am clever, superior, witty
I'm the cure for female frigidity

(Repeat chorus)

All material Copyright SWM 1992-2002